Ordination Thoughts

The past few days have been difficult. My teenage niece, who seemed to be coping well with the death of her mom (my sister) and a biological father who has rejected her, finally suffered a bit of a breakdown. I guess the only surprise is that she's done as well as she has with the cards she was dealt.

These kinds of tragedies are common in my family. So common that I seem to be one of only a couple of living members who has managed to effectively cope. Most of my extended family is an utterly depressed and drug-addicted mess. But my childhood was tragic as well—tragic enough to lead my little sister to take her life and leave her kids behind a few years ago.

I'm not sure how I've managed to not only cope but be successful. It wasn't easy. In healthcare, we have some patients who seem to defy the odds. We call them "fighters." I guess I'm a fighter.

I thought about my situation endlessly as a child. I was always looking for a way out, but I was smart enough to realize that I had few real options. That's when I decided that I wouldn't let circumstances and people destroy my life. I realized that while other people could inflict temporary pain, I was ultimately the only person responsible for the quality of my life. I had no interest in carrying that temporary pain forward.

I'm not saying it's easy. Trauma has a way of staying with you. It takes work to let it go. Deciding to let it go is a good start, but the actual letting go may be a long, even lifelong, process. I hope to pass some of this knowledge on to my niece. But I also know from experience that I can't save her from depression. We each have to save ourselves.

I'd learned how to cope with life, more or less, before I picked up my first book on Buddhism in my mid-twenties. I didn't have to be sold on the suffering bit. It made sense. So did the rest of the Four Noble Truths. Still, I wasn't much of a fan of organized religion. My interest remained mostly academic for a few years. Thanks to a heap of additional suffering, I gradually began to put theory to practice and found the Dharma to be more profound and practical than I ever expected.

I have a close friend who became a Christian minister after returning from Vietnam. He'd seen more than enough suffering. He wanted the remainder of his life to stand for something else. He'd seen too many people suffer—or worse. He just wanted to be, as much as one man can be, a lifeline for the suffering people he encountered in the future. I think he also wanted to salvage a bit of himself in the process. This is, in part, the same feeling that pulls me towards ordination.

There's more to it. More than I can explain in one blog post. There's also a certain sort of faith that's developed in all these years of putting the Dharma to the test. And there's profound gratitude for the teachings and all of those who've dedicated their lives to transmitting them. Perhaps someday, if conditions are favorable, I'll join their ranks.

Originally published on my old blog, renegadebuddha.com, on February 19, 2007. I'm still not ordained.